Randomness Of A Tired Mama

This is it

2012-01-12T08:48:00.004-06:00

If you have been following our family you know that huge life changes are taking place. The unknown as become reality. Jamie is medically retiring with 60% from the Army and 90% from the VA. We are moving back to Texas and or Louisiana in February and we still don't have a house. Where we live depends on when I find a house for our family to live in next week when I go visit. He has 2 months leave built up and then we are solely VA which means losing our Army pay. Since he is being retired we get to keep our medical and all our other privileges which will help. He is going to enroll into school so that we can get E5 BAH from his GI bill giving us money for housing (although much less). All this will take 1-3 months to get done which means going without pay for potentially this long and also taking a pretty good cut in pay. It's scary. I didn't want to travel this road but I have no choice. All was fine and comfy. I have been searching for months for both a job and a house and both have been like the mystical unicorn. You hear of them but you never see them or can find them. We just sold our house in Dallas through a short sale and don't want to buy nor is our credit to par to really buy a house right now and the rentals are non existent. I have hopes all will be okay at the same time the planner in me just can't cope with this unknown. I have taken the blunt of the stress of EVERYTHING onto my shoulders. It makes me sick to sit here and even think about it because I feel completely helpless. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I try to just give it to HIM I still feel the burden and feel the fear consume me. I have continued to stay positive and look at the good in the situation but I am slowly finding less and less and seeing less and less of that possible light. I realize it is only a bump in the road and I know EVENTUALLY all will work out, it's just not soon enough for this worry wart. I only ask if you read this to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers if anything for comfort and strength during this time.

Times Change

2011-10-13T09:56:00.002-05:00

As the end of this process moves closer, decisions about our final destination have become more a necessity then a thought. Sure we could throw a dart at a map of the U.S. but being further away from family is really not an option anymore. Growing up without much family, the thought of my kids growing up without family close has made a hard decision a bit easier to come to terms with. After tossing ideas back and forth and lots of sleepless night and stressful days it looks like the decision to move back to Northeast Texas will be the best option for our family. Although a sense of relief from the impending decision and a little sense of excitement of our new life comes to me, more stresses of little things like a home to live in, a job and financial means sends me back into something short of a panic attack. Moving back 'home' means a simpler life. A life with my wonderful extended family, my kids growing up with cousins, aunts & uncles. Horses and four-wheelers. Dirt roads and eerie dark quiet nights. Friday night lights and Sunday church. But it also means dealing with demons in my own life that I have swept under the rug and honestly don't care to clean. Even when we go to visit over the last decade, I still won't go to Walmart in Atlanta, Texas alone. No joke. The thought breaks me out in a cold sweat that I may run into someone I may know or better yet knows me or knew my dad and I have NO clue who they are. Thankfully in most cases people do not recognize me much anymore and I can do a quick get away by bolting a different direction. Cutting all contact with the area and the people in it, was one of the simplest things I have done through my life. Leaving behind the drama, backstabbing, two faced, rumor mill was something I gladly ran from with no regrets. As I have grown into the person I am today I realize I put up with way too much bullshit growing up. In that aspect I am a very different person now that realizes that I am going further (even if at a slow pace) then most people. I chose to put my life on hold for my husband and my kids. I am getting there though and have big goals and plans that I may not share everyday with everyone (but they are there). I am proud of the person I have become and my ability to be a no nonsense, laid back person but I also still wear my heart on my sleeve as I have always done. I know with family behind me, a good attitude, my strength and my love in God, all will be okay. Even if going to Walmart may be a 'family event' as my wonderful sister in law Jesica stated.

Anti-Social? I think not!

2011-08-15T13:15:00.004-05:00

So with age I have figured out finally that I am not a "people person" this doesn't mean I am anti-social it just means that I don't like many people. With society today can you blame me? The world seems to be full of rude, selfish, arrogant people filled with self-righteousness. I am not the type of person that needs 100 friends or even 10. I grew up with very little close family and learned quickly that if I were to survive (without stressing through a drama filled life of worry about what everyone else thought and trying to please as many people as I could) that I could only rely on a very select few people beside myself. I have a few really close people I will call friend and besides that I am not out there to be buddy, buddy with random acquaintances. Those select few people, I don’t even consider friends, they are my family. You either like me or you don’t. You either want to be a friend (or part of my life) or you don’t. I am not going to go out of my way to call you names or talk about you behind your back but you will know if I like you or I don’t. My actions usually speak louder then words. I have been blessed with the gift of reading people. Blessed or cursed in some cases, I can usually tell by a first impression how someone is. I am a pretty cut and dry person. I'm prob. one of the sweetest caring people you will ever meet but I also don't put up with two faced, drama queens (or kings) who wouldn't go out of there way to help me or be supportive as I am to them. This isn't directed to anyone in particular just a general assumption of people's definition of friend/family now a days, to me, has been skewed something terrible. If you want to be my friend, it’s really easy, you treat me with respect and honesty with a sense of humility, as I would do the same for you. If you break my trust, aren’t honest, don’t make me feel comfy, etc…why would I want you as a friend? I wear my heart on my sleeve enough then to be put through the wringer of being a friend to someone or in someone’s life in general only “sometimes”.

Offically a graduate

2011-08-15T13:12:00.004-05:00

Finally graduated and have mixed feelings about it. So glad to be done but nervous about my future. So far job wise, things just haven't added up. I am taking a turn to my Criminal Justice and Psychology major and looking for a more 'laid back' and 'normal working hour' job in probation, parole and case management. With teaching jobs in the crapper my back-up plan went flying out the window awhile ago so I had to some soul searching on what I want to be when I grow up lol! The pay is pretty crappy it seems but with a Bachelor's in my degree it's a good job that moves up in pay over time. It still keeps me within the Criminal Justice field but it also allows me to use my Psychology without ended up a counselor. Now to figure out when and where we are going to end up. No reason to search for a job when I have no clue when we are moving or where we are moving to.

Change

2011-05-14T19:46:00.002-05:00

Life has change a lot since I have last blogged. We have lived in Kansas again for nearly 2 years, I'm just shy of graduating, Levi is fixing to graduate Kindergarten and Ryan 3rd grade and Jamie is going through the process of being medically retired out of the Army which means even more change for our family in the next 4 to 6 months. The process to me is bitter sweet, Army life is all we have known and we have no certainty about where we plan to go and what we plan to do after which makes the process exciting, stressful and scary all at the same time. Stay tuned for further details as we prepare to start our lives over and process back into the civilian word.

Goals

2011-05-14T19:36:00.004-05:00

With changing time I set out to accomplish my goals.. I graduate, finally in August with my Bachelor's degree but I still struggle to search for a job that any where remotely uses such degree. I refuse to work retail, or flipping burgers. I have worked to hard to get where I am to downgrade what I know I am capable of. But at what point do I realize that there is a difference between goals and dreams and catch the medium in between the two? This is hard figuring out what I want to be when I grow up within realistic realms of the fact that I do have 4 kids to help support and I would at least like to be included in what years I have left with them the next 15 years till my little one's are 18 and headed out on their own verses being in a job that consumes my life. Time is running out....

Kansas

2009-11-28T12:34:00.003-06:00

We have been here in Kansas for about 1 month now. Although there are a few changes around base for the most part everything is just like it was 5 years ago. Its been somewhat nice being back close to a Army base again. The Commisary is already saving on groceries and the first time we went to the doctor on base they were very quick and thorough. So no complaints yet. Same place out in the middle of nowhere Kansas lol! THe kids seem to be adjusting good and the house we have although falling apart is only a few years old. We are on the housing list for on post but it is a 6-8 month wait and 6 months should be up around February. They are building lots of new houses so I am hoping soon our number will come up.

The Move

2009-10-02T14:29:00.002-05:00

We have moved so much. This move though is different. At first I considered it bitter-sweet. Now all it is leaving is the bitter part. I'm moving to Kansas alone. I am leaving my good friends behind and in a different way then before. Im used to by now moving from base to base. Making new friends at new bases is just a part of it. Family is your rock and it makes the transition easier. But all I have are my kids. I have no one. I will know no one. Im going all alone and will be there all alone. And I dont doubt I will make friends there just as I have every other place but Im not sure. How is that going to work regarding the circumstances? Im scared to death, Im worried like I have never been worried before. I have no rock and no security leaving here and I am leaving for once everything that I have secure in my life. My kids are going to hurt leaving here because grandma will no longer be around all the time. I hurt because the last 3 years have been hell. I never wish what I have been through on my worst enemy. I only hope I can find the strength to somehow swallow this awful feeling for if anyone else the kids. Just thinking about it puts a lump in my throat, makes my heart heavy and my eyes well up. Im praying for strength...lots of strength. And for once I don't know if I am actually strong enough.

Wyatt & Whitney's 2nd Birthday Party

2009-08-14T12:25:00.004-05:00

Just snacks, cake and ice cream. I hope everyone can join us one last time before we leave for Kansas! Please RSVP so I can get a head count by September 1st!

Soul Searching

2009-06-29T09:38:00.002-05:00

As I look at my life I find myself saddened by some of the happenings lately. I always strive to make the best out of everything for myself and my children and it is very hard to do when there is one blow after another. Security is a big thing for me. I want to feel stable and secure. I feel as if I am on a bubble. I am seamlessly floating around and that bubble could totally pop at any second leaving me without a lifeline. As I have grown from an innocent girl I have blossomed into someone that no longer questions myself and my motives. I have set forth a path and I plan to stick to that path. Even if the world seems to be crumbling around me I keep myself true to my goals, my faithfulness, my children, my wants, my needs, my desires.... I have nothing and everything I could ever ask for in life. I am a remarkable woman with a undying steadfast strength. Anyone that chooses not to be a part of my wonderful life is the one that loses out.

What a Girl wants!

2009-05-08T14:12:00.005-05:00

So I tend to stay away from giving other's advice. I do see that men in general can be a little ummm...what's a nice word, unthoughtful sometimes. Now this is not saying they do not try. I had a light-bulb moment and honestly decided to write (type) out my thoughts on this subject. I know there are probably a hundred books out there saying this exact thing but maybe if I can get through to one person or have one person have a light bulb moment then that's all that matters. Maybe even to make one feel as if they are not alone.

What a girl wants is simple. Men seen to think that woman are these complicated creatures that they cannot figure out. Although this is not true, our complex emotions sometimes can get the better of us, so, here I am letting you know what we want.

FIRST:

Woman need to be wanted and needed. They want to feel wanted and needed. These two things are totally different. Don't know the difference? Its easy. Woman want you to rely on them and need them to do things but they also want you acknowledge this fact and want you to know that they want you to feel the same way about them as they do of you.

SECOND:

Woman want to be told they are beautiful, sexy, pretty, gorgeous etc, etc. They want you to say it without prompting. They want you to mean it when you say it. They want that person to look at them and say "You are so beautiful". And even if that woman doesn't take compliments well or blushes and or doesn't have much to say in return... keep telling her. In different ways. If you like that outfit or her hair or her smile.... acknowledge that.

THIRDLY:

Woman want to spend time with you. They need to spend time with you. They want you to want and need to spend time with them. And no this does not include sitting at home while you play a video game and she watches you play. Go out to dinner, a movie, bowling....something, anything.... With children, without children, both. Do something she likes even if you don't. Because she would do the same for you and usually does. The road goes both ways. Don't be afraid to try new things, together.

FOURTH:

Be romantic. Even if you don't know how. TRY! A flower after a long day. A back rub just because. Look into her eyes and caress her face or hair or body. Touch her. Dote on her without expecting anything back. Go back to number 2.

FIFTH:

Do something without being asked or prompted to. A huge turn on to any woman I know is a man that cooks her dinner just because or cleans the house for her just because.... I think men forget that even though some of us may stay home our jobs never end especially with Children. We need a break too and just the thought that they thought enough about us to do something for us and WANT to do it for us means the world.

SIXTH:

Respect and loyalty are the two biggest things. Respect what she says, her opinions, her thoughts, her dreams, her ambitions, her body, her dislikes, her likes, and the list goes on. Also have respect for what she says. Woman don't tell you they...ummm...as an example, they dislike something for no reason. If they are telling you they dislike "x" then don't do "x" anymore. If its bothering her enough to tell you its bothering her I suggest you listen and not just pretend to listen either. Put yourself in the woman's shoes. All men should use the "How would I feel if the situation were reversed...?" bylaw. Loyalty is pretty much one of those things that shouldn't be a question. True devotion comes with respect hand in hand.

SEVENTH:

Let her know she is the only one. Talk to her. Tell her your feelings. Tell her what you like her doing. If you like when she wears "x" or cooks "x" or does "x"....TELL HER! Even if they are sappy, tell her. Tell her how much she means to you on a regular basis. Tell her she is special and that you love her. The little things matter most.

EIGHTH:

Be real. Do not and I repeat DO NOT hide things, lie about things or do things you would not do right in front of her. Men do not realize that woman have a 6th sense and they will normally find out on way or another. If you hide "x" then that means there is a reason to be hiding "x" and in this example "x" can be ANYTHING big or little but then that "x" turns into "xxx" and yea, guys, then your screwed. Should of just outed it at "x". No reason to hide anything. Relationships should be an open book. Woman want you to be their confidant and them to be yours. They want you to tell them secrets even if they are stupid and have nothing to do with YOU per say.

NINTH:

To woman Holidays ARE a big deal. They may not tell you and they may act like they don't care but...we do. Mother's day, Birthday, Christmas....We expect you to make a big deal of it even if we act like we don't want you to. Don't ask us what we want. 9 times out of 10 we aren't going to tell you and honestly if you really listened to us like you should you wouldn't have to ask because we always drop hints through the year about what we would like to have or want. Woman like surprises. We don't want to know what you are going to get us. We want you to use your own head and own heart to pick something out.

TENTH:

Sex is a huge part of any relationship. The difference is that if you add in all the above sex can be the last thing on the list. We do not want the "wham bam thank you ma'am". Sex means something to woman. Its emotional and physical. The more emotional you are the more physical happens. The more do the above the more you get. Sorry, guys that's just the way it works. Sex is just the icing to the cupcake!

Dreams

2009-04-08T14:02:00.003-05:00

Everyone has dreams and goals. Some are realistic and some are pretty far fetched. I think for most people though it is easier said then done to follow or follow through in general with them. Life gets in the way. No one's fault that it doesn't happen it just happens or in my case doesn't happen. I have continued to willingly put myself on the back burner to may family knowing that one day that I would have MY day in time. It turned out that it just never happened and I finally figured out no matter how long I wait, it just will not happen. I have been a mommy and dedicated wife so long that I have somewhere lost myself in those two rolls. I was okay with this till I realized that no one around me really cared about what "I" wanted. No one asked me what MY dreams were, what I wanted, wanted to do with my life or anything pertaining to ME aside from my family matters. No one particularly said "You can't" but at the same time there was no encouragement either. I am putting myself a notch or two up now and have started going after my dreams and goals one step at a time. This is hard for me on several levels. Firstly I am a very selfless person by nature. I would rather do for others then do for myself. I cannot change this part of my character because then I wouldn't be me. Although not a desired characteristic by most.... Secondly I am adventurous and like change but at the same time I am not so much a risk taker. The fear of the unknown keep the 'what ifs' in my head and then I over think things. I do not want to do something that I may regret or feel is a mistake. I have to think of the future for myself now and it scares me that I do not know what that future is tomorrow, next week or next month so I have wanted to make sure what I do is safe. I have realized that safe isn't always the best option and if only I could have a penny for everything I have learned about myself the last year. I have always been wiser then my age but I tend to give advice to everyone else but myself. It's time I start taking my own advice.

Compatibility

2009-04-04T13:47:00.004-05:00

This all seems pretty dead on even though I'm not a big believer in Horoscopes I thought it very interesting.

BabyCenter Horoscope

About the Capricorn Parent

A Master Provider

As a Capricorn parent, your focus is on working hard for your family and meeting your responsibilities. In fact, you may work a little too hard! Your intentions are good, but you can place too much importance on being a dutiful provider and not enough on other things that truly matter, such as spending quality time with your kids and developing a warm, nurturing connection with them.

You might be more comfortable with the rigors of your career and trying to make ends meet than you are with sticky emotional situations with your children, but you have an ace in the hole: Capricorns, by nature, seek constant improvement. If there's something lacking in your relationship with your children, you can identify the problem and work to correct it.

You'll teach your kids about the value of money and reliability, and you'll educate them in the importance of keeping their promises. In fact, you'll be a real authority figure in their lives. They'll respect you; you might even intimidate them without realizing it or meaning to do so.

Part of your job as a parent will be learning to lighten up a bit and become more affectionate and spontaneous. This way, you can create a balance between work and play, and your children will love and appreciate you even more for the effort. You'll set a positive example for them when it comes to maturity, planning, and working steadily toward your goals. Just don't be too hard on them if they're not quite as driven as you are.

A Brilliant Thinker

Capricorn & Aquarius
You're quite impressed by your Aquarius child's natural ingenuity. Even when she's very young, you can tell you've got a brilliant thinker on your hands. This kid could grow up to be an important scientist, strategist, or inventor! But don't push any particular career path on your little one. Instead, let her explore ideas and influences in her own way and at her own pace. Give her plenty of time and encouragement to investigate her many theories.

You'll find that your little Aquarius has plenty of drive, but her unusual interests may challenge your traditional values. Don't be surprised if, unlike you, she shows little concern for status or a reliable income, and instead chooses a career path that combines humanitarian concerns with her love of anything innovative and previously untried. Don't hinder her natural independence, either, or she could become quite rebellious.

Make Allowances

Capricorn & Taurus
Though your Taurus child shares your practical, down-to-earth nature, he isn't as driven or dutiful as you might wish. Of course, he's naturally strong and determined, and he can really buckle down to business when he wants to. The only problem is, he acts on his own agenda, not yours!

You've always had a strong work ethic, and you take your parental responsibilities quite seriously, but you should make allowances for your little one's self-indulgent nature. Part of his job in this life is to enjoy himself and spread his natural, earthy pleasure around. In fact, you could take some tips from your child in learning to relax more and worry less. For starters, don't let little Taurus's apparent lack of ambition concern you. He's willing to work hard when he has a worthy goal in sight, and he's sure to make you proud.

A Serious Existence

Capricorn & Virgo
Your Virgo child takes after you in so many ways: He's grounded and practical, even as a youth, and he appreciates the well-ordered, stable home life you provide. He thrives in a structured environment, which feeds his innate preference for symmetry and organization. You notice and appreciate early on the way your little Virgo keeps his room clean and helps out with the household chores, often without being asked. And all of that is wonderful, but who brings the levity to your lives?

You and your child are both mature for your age, perhaps overly so. You're both emotionally reserved, and you respond more to practical concerns than to emotional appeals. If there's no one around to lighten the mood and remind you to relax and -- gasp! -- play once in a while, life in your house could get pretty serious.

Steadfastly Loyal

Aquarius & Taurus
These two children are quite different, but some basic similarities make them compatible siblings. For one thing, they're both capable of great focus. They may not focus on the same things -- self-indulgent Taurus likes relaxation and creature comforts, while innovative Aquarius is interested in problem-solving and devising out-there inventions -- but they give each other the space and respect to do their own thing.

And when they work together they can really get things done. Taurus's willingness to work hard when motivated paired with Aquarius's ingenuity can make for some very interesting projects -- ones you'll find spread across the dinner table or taking up all the available floor space in your kids' rooms!

These children are both very stubborn, so any sibling rivalry is expressed loudly and vehemently. But they're also steadfastly loyal to their loved ones, so their bond will always be tight.

Mutual Respect

Aquarius & Virgo
These kids share a lot of respect. Spats are rare because both consider arguments and other messy emotional displays a waste of time. Virgo is just too practical for petty back-and-forths, and Aquarius has too many projects calling his attention.

They play together well from an early age, with Aquarius in the role of idea person and Virgo as the faithful assistant. Following Aquarius's interesting, unusual lead offers Virgo, who is normally quite cautious, a chance to experience the thrill of stepping outside her comfort zone. Virgo knows Aquarius is devoted and trustworthy, not to mention brilliant, which enables Virgo to loosen up a little and take risks she wouldn't otherwise.

Since Aquarius is interested in improving the world and Virgo has a keen eye for practical problem-solving, you'll really enjoy watching these two grow up together and combine their strengths to great and fascinating effect.

Naturally Compatible

Taurus & Virgo
Your Taurus and Virgo children will be great friends as they grow up. They play well together, and their down-to-earth natures draw them to toys with practical, real-world appeal, such as dump trucks, a bucket and a garden spade, or a child-sized oven complete with miniature cookware.

Young Taurus is more easygoing, self-indulgent, and pleasure-oriented than her sibling; especially if she's the older of the two, she can help Virgo relax a little and enjoy life's many pleasures. If Virgo is the elder child, he's likely to push Taurus to be more responsible -- to complete her chores more quickly and thoroughly, for example, or to save her allowance instead of spending it on candy bars and ice cream cones. (Yes, little Taurus has a big sweet tooth!)

These two will always be close, because they're naturally compatible and possess complementary strengths.

Life Rushes

2009-03-12T09:06:00.002-05:00

I will be the first to admit my lack of patience. I want things done now, I want to know the outcome, now. The waiting for the unknown absolutely kills me. Lately I live my life not only one day at a time but it seems hour to hour. Life has rushed up on me and then flipped my whole world upside down. I have always wanted to live my life like each day is my last. I try my best to let people know how much they mean to me, how much I care, love, cherish and am thankful to have them in my life. I don't want to leave this earth with ill feelings, regret or animosity. Life passes so quickly. My life seems to be one big ball of stress. All I do is worry about what tomorrow will hold and how I am going to make it. Pulling myself out of the gutter and to my feet is easier said then done and I really am trying. Life is to short to feel this way. I just cannot keep getting blows. Every time I seem to get on my feet something cuts me off at my knees again. I feel at this point there is no escape and I fear that as soon as things smooth out that yet again something will happen because Im 'gun shy' now. My wall is 100ft tall. My children are growing to know a life like this and I cry to see they think this is normal. I know there is no such thing as a real normal but normal is what you see all the time. Normal is what you are used. I sit here sometimes baffled. I say to myself, wake me up from this nightmare. Just wake me up. Life is rushing by me and I have no foothold.

The Grass

2009-02-26T14:49:00.002-06:00

You know, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence till the damn gates gets shut behind your ass and locks you out from returning to your warm cozy comfy barn...Then you realize the grass on your side of the fence was just as good a little to late.

Another Look At Happiness

2009-02-18T12:36:00.006-06:00

The quote "The happiest people might not have the best but they make the best of what they have" really rings true and is something that I think that people should follow. I continue to go with the theory in life that everything happens for a reason. And even though you may not be happy with a certain place in your Life or the situation that surrounds your Life whether it be your job, where you live, money, personal problems or anything really, its all in what you make of what you do have. You can sit and say how much your life sucks and how you don't like this or don't like that but in reality negativity is only bringing you down. I could give examples but I think I will stick to this short and sweet. Always try to look at all the good in your life and how it outweighs the negative. It can be hard to do but will make you and the people around you feel better in the long run. Your ora really does effect your friends and family. So if your not happy, other's around you will become unhappy as well. Your situation is only temporary. There will always be obstacles in the way or something unfinished or not enough time, the list goes on. But that is Life. The journey of Life never promised you it would be easy. Happiness in Life is how you make your Life evolve around those obstables. Be the best you can be, make the best of what you have and see the goodness you have and goodness will come to you.

NINE INCH NAILS Words of Wisdom

2009-02-09T18:17:00.003-06:00

See the animal in his cage that you built

Are you sure what side you're on?

Better not look him too closely in the eye

Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

See the safety of the life you have built

Everything where it belongs

Feel the hollowness inside of your heart

And it's all

Right where it belongs

[Chorus:]

What if everything around you

Isn't quite as it seems?

What if all the world you think you know

Is an elaborate dream?

And if you look at your reflection

Is it all you want it to be?

What if you could look right through the cracks?

Would you find yourself

Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head

Just creations of your own?

Your devils and your gods

All the living and the dead

And you're really all alone?

You can live in this illusion

You can choose to believe

You keep looking but you can't find the woods

While you're hiding in the trees

In This Moment

2009-02-04T15:40:00.008-06:00

Everyday I grow, evolve and learn. I see myself in the now and wonder what my future may hold trying not to dwell on the past but the past is part of who I am today and as hurtful as so much of my past is I'm not to sure how to move forward sometimes. I have so many questions and not enough answers and maybe that is the way its suppose to be. I place my faith in God and really that is most of what I can do. My thoughts wander around aimlessly most days. Wishy washy in my destiny. The now shows me where I'm at and where I want to be. To be with my wonderful children here in this moment in time watching them grow, not worrying about who is there for them because I am. Im happy to be with my children. They are the sun in my blue skies and in my grey skies too when I have them. I'm honestly not sure what side of the fence my happiness falls. Am I happy? I feel incomplete some how. As if I'm not doing enough. And maybe that is not the best way to explain my feelings because I really cannot put into words as I always give my 100% to everything I do in life. Maybe its the feeling of not living up to expectations or contributing enough or really I could go on and on about what it COULD be. I have lost my independence and confidence in myself and what Im doing as a mother and wife somewhere it seems some days. I'm honestly not to sure how I go about gaining that back. If its me or maybe it's not me at all. My family really is my everything I have no regrets, no what if's cross my mind. Life has come hard at me lately but as I grow daily I learn to adapt and be the best I can be. My insecurities are driven with fear and my fear is driven by insecurities. Making the best of what I have hoping its enough to hold me in this moment.

Paradox

2009-01-27T09:33:00.003-06:00

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways (and asses), but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less. We buy but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend to recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We've conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air a lot, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast food and slow digestion, big men and small characters, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of too incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow and leave you side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart that doesn't cost a cent.

Please remember, to say "I love you" to your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday……… that person will not be there. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

My 'To Do" List

2008-12-24T10:46:00.001-06:00

Because of my recent findings and the certainty of the unknown I have a list of things that I plan to add to and take away from over the years. Just so you know these are in no specific order. These are dreams, ambitions and real things that I would love to do. I plan to do as many of them as possible. Think "The Bucket List".

Find true Happiness

Get a Boob Job

Go to New York and celebrate New Years in Time Square

Party Mardi Gras in New Orleans

Skydiving

Drive a real race car

Find true love

Vacation to Ireland and Italy

Get my concealed handgun licensee

Do my bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice

Tropical get away, me, myself, my love, an umbrella on the beach and a drink in my hand

Go back to Pike's Peak

Visit family in Rhode Island

Write a letter to everyone I love

Visit Australia

Take an African Safari

Taste the World's finest Chocolate

Compete in Pro Rodeo again

Learn FLUENT Spanish

Find a fulfilling career

Save a life

Volunteer for several organizations

Get Baptized

Be wild and crazy. Even for one day without regrets or repercussions.

Dune buggy races in the sand

Two-words WASHBOARD ABS

Buy an old farmhouse (by myself) with a wrap around porch, fix it up (by myself) and pass it on to my children

Feel comfortable in my own skin.

See my kids graduate college

See the Northern Lights

What makes ME Happy!

2008-12-23T15:55:00.000-06:00

In no particular order:

My kid's laughter

The sound of hoofbeats

Being told Im beautiful

I nice cold Dr. Pepper

Christmas and the joy it brings

A day at the mall with a friend

Sunsets that make the whole sky glow

Watching a great episode of Lost!

Movie night with popcorn and pizza for dinner

That first few days of a chill in the air when fall is really here

The smell after a good hard rain

A rainy day with no plans and being in my pj's

When I wake up in the middle of the night and I feel very alone, but then I remember that my kids are there

The way my kids smell and feel after a bath

When my kids are in a lovey-dovey mood with me and/or each other

A nice long walk

A long hot shower

A facial/massage/good haircut/pedicure

When someone gets my joke

A good friend IRL or online

Feeling appreciated

Towels out of the dryer

A great song on the radio when I can blare it and sing really loud

Ahh - I could go on and on too - that makes me happy also!

I felt the need for this.

I'm losing my mind! lol!

2008-12-23T15:50:00.000-06:00

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it develops:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
P.S. I just remembered.
I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

Forgive and Forget

2008-12-23T14:57:00.004-06:00

We all hear quotes that we remember but never really grasp. They are simple quotes and yet sometimes until put in the situation they do not really contain a true meaning until you go through something that brings them to light.

So the question is: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

I sit here in true confusion about this question. I am normally quite a forgiving person. Maybe to a fault. I do not like fights, or disagreements of the like. But and yes there is a but, I do not see me doing either anytime soon.

Forgiveness takes a strong person. It means that you are moving on in your heart from being hurt. The thought of why someone could be so heartless to hurt you to being with and doing so with no remorse baffles me. I just do not feel I can forgive someone for putting me through hell, dragging me down, belittling me and so many more hateful, hurtful and uncalled for things when I did nothing to deserve it. And even if I did deserve it I do not feel that this was something to justify doing. I have learned that sometimes "sorry" is not enough. The words "I'm sorry" are only words and can be said with no meaning behind them.

Forgetting and putting behind you. Maybe in one sense its the process of blocking that caused hurt. I'm not sure forgetting is an option.

I would love to have closures on parts of my life but I will never find it because instead of taking responsibility for actions it got turned around on me some way some how and the sad thing about it is that it makes no sense what is said and turned around on me but it makes me feel like crap non the less.

I can say with my full heart that regret is a bitch and her name is Julie. When that regret comes I hope they suffer as much as I have due to their actions.

I want to forgive and I want to forget.

It's a Choice

2008-12-23T09:20:00.000-06:00

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'

He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it!'
'You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'
He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or...you can choose to be in a bad mood.
I choose to be in a good mood.'
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.
'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'
I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw him about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?'
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.
'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live..'
'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked.
He continued, '...the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'
'What did you do?' I asked.
'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity''
Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'
He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude...I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.