Civilian Life

The transition from the Army life into civilian world to me would be described mostly like a bad divorce. I *think* I am having a much harder time adapting then my husband. Which honestly doesn't make much sense now that I put that out there but on the other hand I guess it makes sense in a different way. That different way is that the Army becomes a way of life (whether you are the soldier or the spouse). You adapt the way you live to a certain manner. For years, decades even. Sure the deployments suck. Sure I have prob. been away from my husband over half our married life and basically raised the kids alone. I learned to do things that most men are in charge of (mowing, plumbing, vehicles, etc) He wasn't even there when I had Levi but was able to come home a few days afterwards. I should of hated the Army life. The worry and stress and unknowingness of where we would go next or when he may deploy. Trust me I have seen and known many women not cut it as an Army wife. I see how it's a lifestyle that many can't handle. For me, civilian life has been the challenge. Now that hubby has been retired since April we are officially civilians. We hold military ID's, our TriCare Prime insurance and our base/post benefits such as Commissary and PX/BX. The closest post...I am sorry base...is Barksdale 1.5 hours away. Not really someplace I can just go to for groceries or RX. I struggle to find doctors that accept our insurance, I struggle to not have the living on post false security, the consistency of life in a screwed up way that many people would think wasn't consistent at all, I most of all struggle to find people that understand us as a Army family, I have struggled to find employment and continue to find the right job and Jamie has been looking at jobs and school. There just aren't many options. The security of pay dates and means of life (take BAH for instance) is something that I personally really struggle with being the main money organizer and bill payer. I have had to completely redo how I handle all our financial things. And it's not just about money and that's where it gets tricky. It's about everything. It's about the lifestyle that I struggle to let go because I am no longer an Army wife. It's a thing that unless you have been there, done that and walked in my shoes you might not ever get or understand. And that's okay too. I cast no stones. I just ask for patience and understanding that I am different. I have different outlooks on many things than 'civilians' do and being that I am on the civilian side again it's just not been easy road for me.

This is it

If you have been following our family you know that huge life changes are taking place. The unknown as become reality. Jamie is medically retiring with 60% from the Army and 90% from the VA. We are moving back to Texas and or Louisiana in February and we still don't have a house. Where we live depends on when I find a house for our family to live in next week when I go visit. He has 2 months leave built up and then we are solely VA which means losing our Army pay. Since he is being retired we get to keep our medical and all our other privileges which will help. He is going to enroll into school so that we can get E5 BAH from his GI bill giving us money for housing (although much less). All this will take 1-3 months to get done which means going without pay for potentially this long and also taking a pretty good cut in pay. It's scary. I didn't want to travel this road but I have no choice. All was fine and comfy. I have been searching for months for both a job and a house and both have been like the mystical unicorn. You hear of them but you never see them or can find them. We just sold our house in Dallas through a short sale and don't want to buy nor is our credit to par to really buy a house right now and the rentals are non existent. I have hopes all will be okay at the same time the planner in me just can't cope with this unknown. I have taken the blunt of the stress of EVERYTHING onto my shoulders. It makes me sick to sit here and even think about it because I feel completely helpless. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I try to just give it to HIM I still feel the burden and feel the fear consume me. I have continued to stay positive and look at the good in the situation but I am slowly finding less and less and seeing less and less of that possible light. I realize it is only a bump in the road and I know EVENTUALLY all will work out, it's just not soon enough for this worry wart. I only ask if you read this to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers if anything for comfort and strength during this time.

Times Change

As the end of this process moves closer, decisions about our final destination have become more a necessity then a thought. Sure we could throw a dart at a map of the U.S. but being further away from family is really not an option anymore. Growing up without much family, the thought of my kids growing up without family close has made a hard decision a bit easier to come to terms with. After tossing ideas back and forth and lots of sleepless night and stressful days it looks like the decision to move back to Northeast Texas will be the best option for our family. Although a sense of relief from the impending decision and a little sense of excitement of our new life comes to me, more stresses of little things like a home to live in, a job and financial means sends me back into something short of a panic attack. Moving back 'home' means a simpler life. A life with my wonderful extended family, my kids growing up with cousins, aunts & uncles. Horses and four-wheelers. Dirt roads and eerie dark quiet nights. Friday night lights and Sunday church. But it also means dealing with demons in my own life that I have swept under the rug and honestly don't care to clean. Even when we go to visit over the last decade, I still won't go to Walmart in Atlanta, Texas alone. No joke. The thought breaks me out in a cold sweat that I may run into someone I may know or better yet knows me or knew my dad and I have NO clue who they are. Thankfully in most cases people do not recognize me much anymore and I can do a quick get away by bolting a different direction. Cutting all contact with the area and the people in it, was one of the simplest things I have done through my life. Leaving behind the drama, backstabbing, two faced, rumor mill was something I gladly ran from with no regrets. As I have grown into the person I am today I realize I put up with way too much bullshit growing up. In that aspect I am a very different person now that realizes that I am going further (even if at a slow pace) then most people. I chose to put my life on hold for my husband and my kids. I am getting there though and have big goals and plans that I may not share everyday with everyone (but they are there). I am proud of the person I have become and my ability to be a no nonsense, laid back person but I also still wear my heart on my sleeve as I have always done. I know with family behind me, a good attitude, my strength and my love in God, all will be okay. Even if going to Walmart may be a 'family event' as my wonderful sister in law Jesica stated.