This is it

If you have been following our family you know that huge life changes are taking place. The unknown as become reality. Jamie is medically retiring with 60% from the Army and 90% from the VA. We are moving back to Texas and or Louisiana in February and we still don't have a house. Where we live depends on when I find a house for our family to live in next week when I go visit. He has 2 months leave built up and then we are solely VA which means losing our Army pay. Since he is being retired we get to keep our medical and all our other privileges which will help. He is going to enroll into school so that we can get E5 BAH from his GI bill giving us money for housing (although much less). All this will take 1-3 months to get done which means going without pay for potentially this long and also taking a pretty good cut in pay. It's scary. I didn't want to travel this road but I have no choice. All was fine and comfy. I have been searching for months for both a job and a house and both have been like the mystical unicorn. You hear of them but you never see them or can find them. We just sold our house in Dallas through a short sale and don't want to buy nor is our credit to par to really buy a house right now and the rentals are non existent. I have hopes all will be okay at the same time the planner in me just can't cope with this unknown. I have taken the blunt of the stress of EVERYTHING onto my shoulders. It makes me sick to sit here and even think about it because I feel completely helpless. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I try to just give it to HIM I still feel the burden and feel the fear consume me. I have continued to stay positive and look at the good in the situation but I am slowly finding less and less and seeing less and less of that possible light. I realize it is only a bump in the road and I know EVENTUALLY all will work out, it's just not soon enough for this worry wart. I only ask if you read this to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers if anything for comfort and strength during this time.

Times Change

As the end of this process moves closer, decisions about our final destination have become more a necessity then a thought. Sure we could throw a dart at a map of the U.S. but being further away from family is really not an option anymore. Growing up without much family, the thought of my kids growing up without family close has made a hard decision a bit easier to come to terms with. After tossing ideas back and forth and lots of sleepless night and stressful days it looks like the decision to move back to Northeast Texas will be the best option for our family. Although a sense of relief from the impending decision and a little sense of excitement of our new life comes to me, more stresses of little things like a home to live in, a job and financial means sends me back into something short of a panic attack. Moving back 'home' means a simpler life. A life with my wonderful extended family, my kids growing up with cousins, aunts & uncles. Horses and four-wheelers. Dirt roads and eerie dark quiet nights. Friday night lights and Sunday church. But it also means dealing with demons in my own life that I have swept under the rug and honestly don't care to clean. Even when we go to visit over the last decade, I still won't go to Walmart in Atlanta, Texas alone. No joke. The thought breaks me out in a cold sweat that I may run into someone I may know or better yet knows me or knew my dad and I have NO clue who they are. Thankfully in most cases people do not recognize me much anymore and I can do a quick get away by bolting a different direction. Cutting all contact with the area and the people in it, was one of the simplest things I have done through my life. Leaving behind the drama, backstabbing, two faced, rumor mill was something I gladly ran from with no regrets. As I have grown into the person I am today I realize I put up with way too much bullshit growing up. In that aspect I am a very different person now that realizes that I am going further (even if at a slow pace) then most people. I chose to put my life on hold for my husband and my kids. I am getting there though and have big goals and plans that I may not share everyday with everyone (but they are there). I am proud of the person I have become and my ability to be a no nonsense, laid back person but I also still wear my heart on my sleeve as I have always done. I know with family behind me, a good attitude, my strength and my love in God, all will be okay. Even if going to Walmart may be a 'family event' as my wonderful sister in law Jesica stated.

Anti-Social? I think not!

So with age I have figured out finally that I am not a "people person" this doesn't mean I am anti-social it just means that I don't like many people. With society today can you blame me? The world seems to be full of rude, selfish, arrogant people filled with self-righteousness. I am not the type of person that needs 100 friends or even 10. I grew up with very little close family and learned quickly that if I were to survive (without stressing through a drama filled life of worry about what everyone else thought and trying to please as many people as I could) that I could only rely on a very select few people beside myself. I have a few really close people I will call friend and besides that I am not out there to be buddy, buddy with random acquaintances. Those select few people, I don’t even consider friends, they are my family. You either like me or you don’t. You either want to be a friend (or part of my life) or you don’t. I am not going to go out of my way to call you names or talk about you behind your back but you will know if I like you or I don’t. My actions usually speak louder then words. I have been blessed with the gift of reading people. Blessed or cursed in some cases, I can usually tell by a first impression how someone is. I am a pretty cut and dry person. I'm prob. one of the sweetest caring people you will ever meet but I also don't put up with two faced, drama queens (or kings) who wouldn't go out of there way to help me or be supportive as I am to them. This isn't directed to anyone in particular just a general assumption of people's definition of friend/family now a days, to me, has been skewed something terrible. If you want to be my friend, it’s really easy, you treat me with respect and honesty with a sense of humility, as I would do the same for you. If you break my trust, aren’t honest, don’t make me feel comfy, etc…why would I want you as a friend? I wear my heart on my sleeve enough then to be put through the wringer of being a friend to someone or in someone’s life in general only “sometimes”.