Times Change

As the end of this process moves closer, decisions about our final destination have become more a necessity then a thought. Sure we could throw a dart at a map of the U.S. but being further away from family is really not an option anymore. Growing up without much family, the thought of my kids growing up without family close has made a hard decision a bit easier to come to terms with. After tossing ideas back and forth and lots of sleepless night and stressful days it looks like the decision to move back to Northeast Texas will be the best option for our family. Although a sense of relief from the impending decision and a little sense of excitement of our new life comes to me, more stresses of little things like a home to live in, a job and financial means sends me back into something short of a panic attack. Moving back 'home' means a simpler life. A life with my wonderful extended family, my kids growing up with cousins, aunts & uncles. Horses and four-wheelers. Dirt roads and eerie dark quiet nights. Friday night lights and Sunday church. But it also means dealing with demons in my own life that I have swept under the rug and honestly don't care to clean. Even when we go to visit over the last decade, I still won't go to Walmart in Atlanta, Texas alone. No joke. The thought breaks me out in a cold sweat that I may run into someone I may know or better yet knows me or knew my dad and I have NO clue who they are. Thankfully in most cases people do not recognize me much anymore and I can do a quick get away by bolting a different direction. Cutting all contact with the area and the people in it, was one of the simplest things I have done through my life. Leaving behind the drama, backstabbing, two faced, rumor mill was something I gladly ran from with no regrets. As I have grown into the person I am today I realize I put up with way too much bullshit growing up. In that aspect I am a very different person now that realizes that I am going further (even if at a slow pace) then most people. I chose to put my life on hold for my husband and my kids. I am getting there though and have big goals and plans that I may not share everyday with everyone (but they are there). I am proud of the person I have become and my ability to be a no nonsense, laid back person but I also still wear my heart on my sleeve as I have always done. I know with family behind me, a good attitude, my strength and my love in God, all will be okay. Even if going to Walmart may be a 'family event' as my wonderful sister in law Jesica stated.